


My heart is my song, my mind is my melody

by tigersharktimes



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Bonding, Confusion, F/M, First Kiss, First Time, Interspecies Romance, Kissing Lessons, Pon Farr
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 22:41:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8942269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigersharktimes/pseuds/tigersharktimes
Summary: Amanda falls for Sarek.





	1. Illogical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda falls for Sarek.

  
The moon was full and its golden light enchanted the garden in the prettiest way. _It was right to come out here to find some peace,_ Amanda thought. _Peace and the time to calm myself. Certainly the reason for my excitement is quite...._

"Miss Grayson."  
  
Amanda jumped. "Ambassador!" Her heartbeat increased rapidly and she scolded herself for being so irrational.

Sarek joined her. "Do you find the Earth moon more interesting than the meeting inside?"

She giggled. _Jesus. Pull yourself together. You´re close to making a complete fool of yourself._ "No, of course not. I left because I needed to be alone for a while."  
  
"Ah. Why is that, Miss Grayson?"

Sarek´s intense eyes captured hers and made her quiver. _I wanted to get away from you and those inquiring eyes. Oh, stop it._ "These political parties, you know, are sometimes, well, how can I put it..."

"Boring?" he offered.

"No," she exclaimed rashly. "It´s very interesting to discuss important matters with important people but after hours and hours of talking I become eventually a little tired."

"I see. A very logical explanation for your absence."

She relaxed and gave him a smile.

"I think it is quite understandable you find my speeches exhausting. I am a government representative and also a Vulcan."

Her smile vanished. "No, you misunderstood."

"Indeed?" His inquiring eyes didn´t give her the slightest chance to look away for one second.

Amanda´s heartbeat pulsed in her ears, and her face burnt with embarrassment. _Damn!_ "I...I don´t find your speeches exhausting," she said, stuttering.

"Thank you."

"And you are definitely the opposite of boring." _Why on Heaven´s earth did I say that?_

He raised his impressive eyebrows. "May I ask why?"

 _No - you may not._ At a loss for words, she stared at him, magnetized by the most irresistible eyes she had ever seen, and the most pleasing voice she had ever heard. Excitement overwhelmed her body and out of nervousness she giggled again.

"Did I say something funny?"

"No. I´m just a little nervous, because..." She blushed.

"I make you nervous. In what way?"

 _In the most illogical way, the most human way. But fact is, you´re not human, you´re different_ , Amanda considered in all seriousness.

He came closer.

Her eyes were drawn to his lips. _What would it feel like to be kissed by a Vulcan?_

Cheerful laughter made them turn around and observe the shadowed lanes of the garden.

A young couple was chasing each other through the park. Laughing and teasing, they didn´t care about other people. The man caught the woman in an embrace and kissed her. She kissed him back - passionately. Silence again.

Sarek didn´t move a muscle.  
  
Amanda found no words and wished she could be anywhere but here.  
  
Finally, the couple left the garden, probably in search of a better place to make out.  
  
Amanda cleared her throat. "Er...it´s getting cold. I would like to go back inside."  
  
"Certainly," he replied without any noticeable change in his voice.  
  
She observed him secretly from the corner of her eye. His expression was absolutely calm. _Well, I´m hot for a man who doesn´t show the slightest sign of any emotion_ , Amanda noticed tartishly. _A silly, illogical female, that´s what **I** am._  
  
"Did you say something?"  
  
"No, Ambassador, I didn´t." Her voice trembled noticeably. _Oh dear. Stop it._  
  
"I find human behavior very peculiar."  
  
"Really? Which behavior in particular?"  
  
"Kissing."  
  
Amanda stopped breathing. This man - no, this Vulcan - was quite unnerving and she fought for her balance. "It´s...it´s only our way on Earth to show affection for another human being."  
  
"I know." Sarek stopped in the middle of the hall. "Still, it is exotic to me."  
  
Amanda´s trembling intensified.  
  
His eyes narrowed. "How do you know you want to kiss someone?"  
  
"We just know. We feel it."  
  
"So, it is an emotional decision?"  
  
She laughed. "Yes. Not very Vulcan, right?"  
  
"No, but I would like to understand. Can you teach me?"  
  
She gaped at him. His face was utterly expressionless. No smile, no blink. Pure innocence. No sign he was teasing her. But he must be joking, right?

"I´ve changed my mind. I´m too tired to go back to the meeting. I would like to go to my room." _Coward_ , she scolded herself.  
  
"Very well, Miss Grayson. Let me attend you." His eyes were like dark, smoldering coals.  
  
They possessed her. "No, thank you.  
  
"I must insist."

She noticed a change in him. His lips were twitching slightly. Since the day they had met for the first time, she had never seen him like this. It looked like a smile was hidden in the corners of his mouth, a smile that was waiting to break through.  
  
Her knees became weak. "All right." _What is happening to me? Why do I feel so drawn to this **Vulcan**?_  
  
They walked in silence. Awkward silence.  
  
"Miss Grayson, it was never my intention to insult you..."  
  
"You didn´t," she said in order to soothe him.  
  
He raised his eyebrows. "Why did you stop talking to me then?"  
  
She took a deep breath. "Well, to tell you the truth, your request to teach you to kiss unsettled me a little bit. Kissing is not a habit we´re used to teaching like a new language. We prefer to kiss our..." she hesitated.  
  
"...mating partners," he concluded frankly.  
  
"Ambassador!" she blurted out, shocked by his directness.  
  
"Please call me Sarek."  
  
"Sarek." _I really like your name._ "This isn´t a conversation which is appropriate to carry on with the ambassador of Vulcan."  
  
"I understand. Is it because you do not see me as a potential mating partner?"  
  
"What? No... I mean yes." Confused, she flushed crimson. Right then, they reached the door to her room. She turned toward him and reached behind her to grab the door handle. "Here we are. Thanks for walking me. Good night." She pushed the handle but didn´t manage to open the door. Caught in Sarek´s firm embrace she felt his lips touching hers. They were soft and warm and Amanda couldn´t do anything else but welcome them. The heat in her body rose and she melted against him. The feather-light pressure of his mouth inflamed her much more than any kiss she had experienced with any man. Amanda´s head began to swim and she felt she was going to lose it for good. Longing for more, she opened her mouth to let his tongue in.  
  
Sarek released her. "This was quite an interesting first lesson. I hope we can continue some other time."

Amanda found no reply.  
  
Gently, Sarek stroked a strain of her black hair behind her ear. He touched the tip slightly.

Amanda shuddered.

"Human ears are most fascinating."

"So are yours," Amanda whispered.

Unexpectedly, he gifted her with a very slight smile that was utterly breathtaking. "Yes. You will find out."

Surprised by the promise, Amanda breathed, "Indeed?"

"A Vulcan never lies. Good night, Amanda."

She smiled warmly. "Good night, Sarek."

He turned around and she watched him walking down the hall while she fumbled the door handle and managed, finally, to open the door. She stumbled into her room. Without turning on the lights, she went to her bed and threw herself onto it.  
  
She touched her lips with her fingers.  
  
He kissed me. Sarek, Ambassador of Vulcan, kissed _me_. How do I feel about it? Well, honestly I´m happy about it and somehow... content. I always wanted him to kiss me but I never thought it could happen. I never dared to even dream of it.

With a happy smile she pulled the blanket over her body. She was too comfortable to undress. She closed her eyes and dreamt of Sarek.  
  
In her dream Sarek never smiled at anyone but her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Already written and posted in 2004


	2. Teaching a Vulcan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda makes a tough decision.

  
"Did you hear that the ambassador of Vulcan is preparing to return to his home planet?"  
  
Amanda was just enjoying her breakfast. A piece of toast got caught in her throat and she coughed until her eyes watered. "No, I didn´t."  
  
"Don´t play innocent with me." Her friend Peggy winked at her. "I know you like him."  
  
Amanda sipped her coffee. "So?"  
  
"He´s a Vulcan."  
  
"Who will leave tomorrow as you pointed out so nicely." She shrugged. "I couldn´t care less. I don´t even know him." She wasn´t lying. Sarek burst into her life a month ago and kissed her once. Since that moment nothing exciting had happened between them. _He swept me off my feet and did nothing afterwards. He´ll fly home and I´ll never see him again. Well...that´s..._  
  
"Amanda, I´m talking to you." Peggy chuckled. "Which cloud are you on?"  
  
She blinked. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Do you have a crush on the ambassador?"  
  
"No, of course not," she lied and blushed.  
  
"Yeah, right," Peggy mocked. "I can see you couldn´t care less."  
  
"Let´s change the subject," Amanda pleaded, embarrassed. _Why change the subject when Peggy is my best friend. We always tell each other everything about men we were seeing._  
  
"Is it his ears?" Peggy continued teasing her.  
  
"Silly!" she burst out laughing. "Will you stop this?"  
  
"It has to be something. I´ve never seen you behave this weird."  
  
"I´m acting weird? In what way am I acting weird?"  
  
"You are daydreaming, sighing, and blushing."  
  
"I´m not blushing."  
  
"Yes, you are. Shall I tell you something you are allowed to blush about?"  
  
"Stop teasing me."  
  
"I´m not teasing." Peggy leaned closer and whispered: "I heard that the penis of a Vulcan is somehow different from that of a human man."  
  
"Peggy!" Amanda said in shock. "That´s not..."  
  
Peggy smiled. "They have..."  
  
"Good morning, Miss Grayson."  
  
They gasped, startled. In front of their table stood Sarek, Ambassador of Vulcan.  
  
"Ambassador, what...a surprise," Amanda stammered, while Peggy giggled brazenly. Amanda glared at her.  
  
"Indeed," Sarek agreed, expressionless, only the slight sparkle in his eyes betrayed him.  
  
_He overheard us,_ Amanda realized. _Oh...damn you, Peggy._ "Do you know my friend Peggy Larson?" she said, rushing on to pass the awkward moment smoothly.  
  
"No, I haven´t had the pleasure," Sarek said politely.  
  
"Hello," Peggy said lightly and unblushingly.  
  
"Miss Larson, I--" Sarek greeted her and was rudely interrupted.  
  
Peggy jumped from her seat and fetched her things. "And goodbye. I have to go." In a split second, Amanda was alone with the Vulcan. In his own gracious way Sarek sat down. His eyes were intimidating, his lips a thin line, the same lips with which he had kissed her once.  
  
"I heard you are leaving," she opened the conversation, trying to get back her confidence.  
  
"Yes, I leave tomorrow. I have to."  
  
"Business matters?"  
  
"No," he replied curtly.  
  
"So what is it?"  
  
"The reason is very personal."  
  
"Oh." _It is something he won´t tell me, that´s none of my business. That serves me right thinking he likes me. Well, it was only one kiss._  
  
"Do you want to join me for dinner tonight?" he continued without a blink.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Will you join me for dinner tonight?"  
  
"Oh...well...yes," Amanda stammered, perplexed. "If you´d like me to."  
  
"It is not about what I like. It is about what I have to do." He rose. "I will pick you up at seven p.m.. Excuse me, but I have an important appointment." He didn´t wait for her answer and glided away.  
  
She stared after him and stayed for several minutes in her seat, musing, forgetting she had an appointment herself.  
  


***************************************************

Breathless, she knocked at the door of her professor´s office.

"Come in," he snarled in his familiar manner.

She entered and dropped into the chair in front of his desk. "Sorry, I´m this late."

"Don´t bother, Amanda, and prepare yourself to be shocked."

She frowned. "What is it? Are you firing me?"

He barked with laughter but stilled quickly. "Not exactly, my dear. The government requested to send you on a very important mission."

She blinked. "Pardon me?"

"Ambassador Sarek asked for you personally."

"Me?"

"He requested an English teacher to give him and his people advanced lessons." He shuffled through the papers on his desk.

"We have many English teachers to choose from."

"I know, I know. But the ambassador wants you. It´s your decision, of course, to accept the offer."

"What is it I have to do?"

"Fly to Vulcan."

"Oh." Her jaw dropped.

Professor Timmons nodded briskly. "Yes, it is a lot to ask. So if..."

"For how long?"

"At least for a few months, but it could be--"

"I accept the offer."

"Really?" Timmons stopped shuffling around the papers. "You decided just like that? You didn´t even think it through."

"I don´t have to."

"You would have to leave tomorrow."

"I know." Her voice trembled with sensations. "I was told the ambassador is preparing for his departure."

"Amanda, is there something going on I should know about?"

"No, I´m just honored that I have the chance to improve the relationship between Vulcan and Earth."

"Maybe between the ambassador and you as well?"

"Of course not. The ambassador is..." She stopped because she couldn´t figure out how to describe Sarek.

"A male," Professor Timmons declared simply.

"I never thought about that," she replied quickly.

"Really?" He eyed her closely. "Never?"

"No," she lied boldly.

"Mm." It was obvious that he didn´t believe her. "What about your family and friends?"

"You know I have no family left. The few friends I have will understand."

"What about you? Vulcan truly is a different world."

"That is what a journey is about, isn´t it? Exploring a new world?"

He shrugged. "As you wish. I´ll inform the government at once. They´ll handle everything considering your journey."

"Thank you."

"I´ll miss you." He got up and shook hands with her. "This place will be a lot more boring without you."

"Don´t go soft on me now." Secretly, she bit back a few tears. Timmons had been her mentor for a long time and she always had looked up to him. It was hard to separate so unexpectedly from him. _It´s my own fault. I´m the one who made the craziest decision of a lifetime._

"I mean it."

"I know."

"Promise me to stay in touch."

"I will."

"Promise me to send a distress call as soon as this Vulcan makes improper advances."

She giggled. "I don´t think Sarek has the slightest idea what are you talking about."

"Really?" He dropped back into his seat. "I don´t think there is a male in the universe that wouldn´t know what I´m talking about." He gave her a serious look. "Or a female who sometimes secretly wishes for a male to make improper ad--"

"Professor!" Amanda cut his speech. "This is only a temporary job assignment. I´ll be back before you´ll even notice I´m gone."

"Well then, good luck Amanda."

*****************************************************

Precisely at seven o´clock Sarek arrived at Amanda´s apartment to pick her up. Only ten minutes later they sat in an elegant restaurant. Amanda was excited to see him again, to be close to him again. The warning words of her mentor were already forgotten.

Sarek came right to the point. "I assume you have been told about the request I made."

"Yes." She bit her lips to hold herself back from saying more. _Request? It sounded more like an order._

Of course, he noticed, like he noticed everything. "Do you not approve of the offer, Miss Grayson?"

 _Oh, it´s Miss Grayson. The night he kissed me it was Amanda._ "I was simply...surprised."

"I understand. A refusal would be--"

"I already accepted the offer," she said interrupting him. Her heart raced like it was ready to go into warp speed. Her mouth was tremendously dry.

His raised eyebrow seemed a strong reaction to her, considering he was a Vulcan. "Indeed?"

"I see it as a challenge. I always wanted to look beyond the horizon."

"What about your family?"

"I´m an only child and my parents are dead."

"I understand."

The dinner was served and for a short while they turned silent, enjoying their food. Amanda was watching him secretly. His handsome but expressionless face, the calm way in which he cut his food and forked it into his mouth, the sensual lips he had kissed her with. Just once and he had turned her world upside down. _If I´m willing to follow a man to a different world just because he kissed me, I must be truly mad._

Sarek looked up and caught her watching him. Quickly, she looked at her plate. _What am I eating anyway?_

"I hope you were not offended by my proposal?"

She noticed a little bit of tension in his voice and dared to meet his troubled eyes. "No, of course not. I was... flattered."

"Flattered? I do not understand."

"Considering my humble skills, I never expected to be chosen to become a teacher on Vulcan."

The corners of Sarek´s lips quirked slightly upward.

 _Was he smiling? He was!_ Amanda was perfectly smitten by that tiny smile.

"I told you I would like you to teach me, Amanda."

The sudden use of her given name made her have feelings a decent woman should never have.

Sarek´s eyes narrowed slightly. "I thought you would approve."

"Yes," she breathed, fighting a ball of sensations.

"I thought so," he answered, looking pleased with himself.

"What?" She would never have imagined that he was able to look so smug, so content with himself.

"I sensed you would like to teach me more about human behavior."

 _Is he mocking me?_ "What´s that supposed to mean?" she asked tersely, suddenly irritated by his self-confidence. _Does he think because he is older and more experienced he can play me for a little fool who drools over him?_ Satisfied, she noticed that he was slightly perplexed.

"I did not mean anything that is not appropriate, Miss Grayson."

A little devil whispered into her ear. "Pity."

Both eyebrows shot up. "I do not understand."

 _I never would have thought it´s possible to make him lose his balance. He looks, well, how can a man who shows no feelings look? Displeased?_ "I´m sorry. I´ve forgotten you´re not a man from Earth. I just assumed you would tick like them. Foolish of me."

"Tick?"

She had made it worse. "Men from Earth often say or do things towards women that imply certain...intentions. I thought you would tease me about," she licked her lips, "about the one..."

His tension vanished rapidly. "Kiss we shared?"

She nodded, wringing her hands under the table. _Oh, why did I start this anyway?_

"No, I was not teasing you. Do you expect me to?"

Her body turned blazingly hot. "No...no...not at all. It´s just a misunderstanding. Let´s forget about it."

"As you wish."

_Is there a twinkle in his eyes? No. It´s just my imagination._

They turned their attention to the dessert. Ice cream.

Once again, Sarek didn´t hide his opinion. "There is no point in eating this."

"You think so?" She spooned the ice cream and licked it slowly.

"It has no value." He stared at her mouth.

"It´s sweet." She licked her spoon clean. "I like it."

His lips quivered slightly. "Well, you are human."

"I hope so." She smiled. "Give it a try. Close your eyes and--"

"Why should I close my eyes?"

"Trust me. You won´t regret it."

"Very well." He did as he was told.

Amanda held back a giggle. _Burst into laughter now and he´ll never trust you again._ "Put the spoon in your mouth."

Slowly, Sarek followed her instruction.

Amanda hung on his lips. "Lick the spoon."

"This is illogical. I--"

"Please."

"Very well." In a very considerate manner his tongue wriggled out of his mouth and touched the spoon. It didn´t lick, no, it caressed, almost seduced the ice cream to melt into his possession.

 _God help me._ A funny feeling gathered in Amanda´s belly. She gulped.

His eyes shot open. "What?"

Hastily, she continued to eat her cream. "You ruined the whole experiment. You shouldn´t have opened your eyes."

"I think I understand now." He emptied his cup quickly and much less sensually than before.

 _Pity._ "Do you?"

"Yes." His eyes told her that he knew perfectly well what she was thinking. Feeling hotter than ever, she was more than thankful for the cooling ice cream, and for his good manners.

"Are you ready? I don´t want to be impolite but I have to go to prepare the departure of my ship."

"Certainly," she agreed, relieved. Rashly, she finished her dessert and in no time she found herself back home at her doorstep. "See you soon," she dismissed him shyly.

"We´ll leave precisely at six a.m.," he replied matter-of-factly and left.

Her breathing became normal again but not her body temperature. _Oh God. What have I got myself into? I´m going to Vulcan to be with an alien who makes me hot by only talking to me. A male who isn´t even considering I could have feelings for him. Am I nuts?_

***************************************************

Seven hours later she was ready to go. The government had done the necessary paperwork. Peggy had helped her to pack her things and had also tried to talk some sense into her. It had been in vain. She was completely thrown off the wagon by Amanda´s decision. She had called Sarek ´impressive´, but she wouldn´t want to have him as her enemy. "Oh Amanda, are you sure you want to do this?"

"No," she declared honestly.

"Oh dear."

"I know. But I made my choice."

"I still don´t understand why."

"Me neither." Amanda grinned.

"Oh dear," Peggy repeated helplessly, and then both women burst out laughing, and were still laughing hilariously on their drive to the spaceport.

As expected, Sarek was already waiting, when they arrived. Amanda handed her bags to his aides and gave Peggy a long hug. "I´ll miss you."

Gracefully, Sarek stepped aside to give them some space.

"Keep in touch," Peggy whispered into her ear. "I need to know every little detail."

"Stop it," Amanda whispered back. "This is only a temporary job. I´m just doing my duty."

"Keep telling that to yourself." Peggy let go of her and glanced at Sarek, who was standing still, his face looking like it was carved in stone. "He certainly is strikingly handsome."

"Quiet," Amanda muttered nervously.

Sarek turned his head. The tips of his ears greened slightly. "Are you ready to leave, Miss Grayson?"

"Yes." She held her voice steady, while she walked over to him. This was it. Her journey was about to begin.

"Good."

Amanda took one last look at her friend, who was waving wildly. She sighed. _Am I going to regret this? Am I flying into disaster? Am I?_

"Do not worry." Sarek´s voice caressed her heart. "No harm will come to you."

"I know." _Do I?_

The ship swallowed them up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Already written and posted in 2009


	3. Flying Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda conquers outer space.

  
_How long will this journey last?_ Amanda thought, distressed, wishing she had never agreed to go on this mission. Traveling through space was a lot more boring than she had ever imagined. The ship hadn´t even reached Vulcan and she was already homesick. Her small windowless quarters didn´t help much to change her depressing mood. _Stop whining. You wanted this. Now make the best out of it._ She tore her eyes away from the blank, dull walls and returned to her studies of the Vulcan language. It was hard to study this language, but she was glad about the time-killing occupation. Besides the few minutes Sarek saved every day to chat with her there was nothing to do. None of the Vulcan crew came to visit and would certainly not waste any time chatting. They treated her respectfully but distantly. She was a stranger to them. She was the alien. _Pretty ironic, isn´t it?_  
  
The sound of the sliding doors startled her out of her brooding.  
  
Sarek entered her quarters. "Amanda?"  
  
"Yes, Sarek?"  
  
His plain and colorless outfit made him look very stern. "Are you busy?"  
  
"Not really. What can I do for you?"  
  
"I find that I have some extra time and thought we could continue with our lessons."  
  
"I don´t remember any lessons we´ve started," she replied, confused.  
  
"The kissing lessons."  
  
"Oh." She hadn´t seen this coming. The kiss had happened so long ago, she was sure he had forgotten about the unique moment.  
  
"Do you mind?"  
  
"No, Sarek, but... wouldn´t you prefer a more fitting partner to do the exercises with?" Being close to him was enough to let her stammer stupidly. His exquisite handling of rather intimate matters made it worse.  
  
One impressive eyebrow went up. "I do not understand. Who could be more fitting than a teacher?"  
  
"A Vulcan female maybe?"  
  
The look in his eyes set her on fire but his voice remained calm. "A Vulcan female would never understand my desire to learn more about human behavior."  
  
"I didn´t realize you wanted to learn more about this subject."  
  
"I have my reasons."  
  
"Oh." Now what? What´s that supposed to mean? Could he be more mysterious? "Very well then," she said casually, though, she was trembling. "Let´s continue with a very important lesson. Humans don´t kiss anybody on the lips."  
  
"I see." His face was non-expressive.  
  
"Certainly not right away." _Stop mentioning this _silly_ kiss. Stop making a lecture out of it. Stop making a complete fool of yourself._  
  
Not a blink. "I beg your forgiveness for my bold approach the last time then."  
  
"It´s okay. I didn´t stop you."  
  
"I noticed."  
  
_Is this flirting? Is this his way with every female? Is this a typical behavior for a Vulcan?_ "The appropriate kiss between friends is this one." She lifted herself on the toes and put a soft kiss on his cheek. His skin felt surprisingly warm and too good to be true. Touching him was always most intimate, an experience she had never had with any other male, as if she hadn´t kissed only his cheek but some hidden part of him. Rashly, she drew back, aghast about her erotic sensations.  
  
Sarek blinked. "I have to say I prefer the last lesson more. Since we already started with a kiss on the lips, can we not skip the preliminary lessons and move on?" He gifted her with one of his rare and smashing smiles.  
  
"Ambassador, I don´t know if this is really..."  
  
"We already agreed to you calling me Sarek."  
  
"...a good idea," Amanda finished, sheepishly.  
  
He bent down. "Do I make you uncomfortable?"  
  
His lips barely touched her cheek but still the tickling sensation was overwhelming. "No. Not at all."  
  
"Let us continue with the lesson then."  
  
His breath burned like fire in her ear. "Oh...well." She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. This kiss went far beyond the first one. Passionately, she tasted every inch of his firm lips, feeling them respond under her pressure. He pulled her closer, caressing her back with firm strokes. His quick and strong heartbeat pulsed through her body. Her lips opened willingly. _This is too much...and way too fast...I have to...STOP!_  
  
Again it was Sarek who broke the kiss first and stepped back. "You are a good teacher, Amanda. This was...fascinating." He swallowed. "Unfortunately I... I have business to attend to. Let us continue this some other time." Just like that he left her alone, fighting for her breath and her balance. She felt the urge to slap him. His emotionless politeness drove her crazy. He was indeed worse than a human male could ever be.  
  


**********************************

The following days, Sarek gifted her more frequently with his company, discussing trends and concepts of the different races in the universe. Sometimes, he invited her to the bridge; sometimes they walked the short and busy corridors, catching many sober glances from the crewmembers. Sarek appeared as if he didn´t notice but Amanda assumed that he just didn´t care.

And today Amanda was attracting everybody´s attention anyway because she was in particularly high spirits. She had talked to her friend Peggy via subspace and heard exciting news.

"You look very content," Sarek said. "Did something happen?"

"Do you remember my friend Peggy?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Do you refer to the woman who ran away as soon as I made her acquaintance?"

Amanda laughed. "She's engaged and will marry in a few months."

"I see that the choice of your friend pleases you."

"Oh yes. Ben is marriage material."

"Marriage material? I am not familiar with this term."

"It means Ben is the perfect guy to marry. He is charming, funny, good-looking, and he likes kids. The kind of man every woman wants to marry."

"The kind of man you would marry?"

"I don't know. I never met such a man," she whispered, utterly surprised by his question.

"I see." He looked at the stars beyond the panoramic window. "Maybe Earth was not the right place to find him."

"Mm - maybe," she replied shyly.

"How are you finding our journey thus far?"

"Mostly meditative," she joked sourly, glad that he had changed the subject.

"Has your previous discomfort resolved itself?"

"Ah...yes...a little." _How does he know about that? Does he know about everything?_

"Good. I hope you will not have any trouble on Vulcan."

"Vulcan is very different from Earth, right?"

"Yes, the gravity is heavier than Earth and there is less oxygen on Vulcan. However, humans have been able to assimilate."

The expression somehow irritated her but she couldn´t say why. "I´ll try to as well."

"Would you be interested in learning more about Vulcan?"

"Gladly."

"Very well. I will teach you about my home while you will continue to teach me about human mating rituals."

"Oh..." Once more his sober way with this delicate matter made her blush. "Okay."

"Good."

They entered the turbo lift to go down to their quarters. The small space brought a lot of uneasy closeness, and Amanda turned her attention to the numbers on the panel, which were moving slowly, like everything _Vulcan_. "It´s your turn then."

"My turn?"

"I already taught you plenty," she lied. "You have to teach me something now."

"Do I?" His eyes glittered with the wisdom of a much older and much more experienced man.

_How old is he anyway? He looks so mature and wise but also completely dashing._ "Definitely."

"Very well." He pursed his lips. "I am sixty-four years old."

"Uh..." _Can he read minds, too?_

"For a Vulcan I am still very young."

_Anyway I feel like a child in your presence._ "Were you ever married?"

"Yes." He frowned and squinted at the same time. It was obvious he didn´t like the subject she had addressed.

"Sorry, I..."

He touched the panel and the lift stopped. "Once I was bonded with T'Rea. She was a Vulcan princess. Later we separated. She died a few years ago."

"I see." Amanda struggled with herself. Should she press him to tell more about himself? Should she dare to get closer to him, taking the risk that she might get hurt eventually? Better not. Instead she decided to go with a fairly neutral question. "What do you mean by _bonded_?"

"Vulcan couples share their thoughts and minds through bonding. It is very personal and very intimate. It is much more intense than a kiss could ever be."

_So much for playing it safe._ "Lovely." She searched for an escape. Naturally there was none. "I think we should..."

He seized her hand.

Amanda almost screamed. Except for the kisses they had shared, he wasn´t the touching kind. His skin felt hot and cold at the same time, a somehow pleasant burning, as if fire and ice were united. "Sarek...I don´t know if..."

"Do not be afraid." His grip tightened, and his thumb glided over the heel of her hand, while two of his fingers pressed against two of hers.

Like a bolt from the blue, something clicked. "Oh my God..."

Softly but firmly he held on to her. "Do not fight. Accept."

"...ah...oh..." Her skin tingled all over, as if strong-spirited energy was coursing through her veins, offering an exotic delight. "Please...don´t..." She pulled her hand back. _How is he doing this?_ "S-sorry." _And why?_

His eyes were unnaturally bright. "There is no need to be sorry. It was your first time."

His promise of further bonding was more than she could bear. _It felt like magic. How can I ever handle something that powerful if this was what I felt with a simple touching of fingers?_ "How long until we reach Vulcan?"

"Not long." He smiled cryptically, and touched the panel. The lift continued moving.

She shuddered with pleasure. _God help me._

The lift doors opened and they separated. Yet she wasn´t feeling alone anymore. It was as if he was still with her.

********************************************

  
  
Just as Amanda prepared to go to bed, Sarek asked permission to enter her quarters. He was dressed in a glorious blue-silvery outfit that made him look even more handsome.  
  
"Good evening, Sarek." _What now? What does his outfit imply?_ "May I ask what the reason for your late visit is?"  
  
"Personal matters."  
  
"Let´s sit then." They settled in a pair of stylish but uncomfortable chairs. Amanda waited for Sarek to speak. For a minute he didn´t. Instead his eyes fastened on the book on her bed; the Vulcan dictionary. His face was as expressionless as ever and still he appeared kind of stressed. He even smelled different, somehow exciting...somehow... _spicy!_ She lowered her eyes and pulled at a thread in her shirt. _Why am I thinking like this? What is going on? What does he want from me?_ Dizziness seized her that didn´t come from space travel.  
  
"Do you enjoy our lesson?" His voice sounded different, too, strangely rough.  
  
"Well..." _What kind of question is this? Does he expect an answer? Seriously?_  
  
"About Vulcan?"  
  
"Oh...sure...very much."  
  
"Good." He was silent again, his eyes darting back to the book.  
  
His unfamiliar awkwardness concerned her. _What is the matter with him? I´ve never seen him so...distracted._  
  
"Can you imagine living on Vulcan for a long period of time?"  
  
A shudder rocked her. "W-why are you asking? What is this about?"  
  
"You may have noticed I... appreciate your company." His voice was turning silver; his eyes were lowered. "My family has been advising me for years to take a wife. In you, I have found a logical choice. You are a suitable match for any male."  
  
_Oh no._ "Is this a...a marriage proposal?"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"Well..." Amanda folded her hands to keep them from shaking. "I´m honored but I have to say no." The flash in his eyes made her flinch back a few inches.  
  
"W-Why?" For the first time, Sarek´s voice quivered. "I thought we understood each other."  
  
"We do." _I´m crazy about you._ "But that´s no reason to marry someone."  
  
"What is a reason?" He leaned over the table.  
  
His scent was intoxicating her senses. "Love."  
  
"An emotion I do not consider very logical in this instance."  
  
"I already figured that out."  
  
"A convenient marriage between us could be very helpful to further deepen interplanetary relations between Vulcan and Earth."  
  
_Convenient! How dare him!_ "Please leave, Ambassador." She saw something in his eyes that scared the hell out of her. Something wild and dangerous, something very human, very male. _Professor Timmons was right. I´m way in over my head...and the worst is...I like it...I like it a lot. It excites me in the weirdest way...he excites me...no matter he is as cold as ice...._  
  
"Amanda...today I experienced a great deal by touching you. It was _significant_."  
  
"We touched only for seconds." _...and as hot as fire..._  
  
He showed that cryptic smile again. "It was not _my_ first time, Amanda."  
  
_...and so not fair._ "Please go." She wrapped her arms around herself. "I need to be alone." His presence made her defenseless. She sensed that he was moving closer. If he touched her it would be over. She knew she was not able to fight him. _Not this magic_. Against all reason she wanted him. Logic had nothing to do with it. Perfectly irrational she was. Perfectly human.  
  
He got up, lingering over her, utterly intimidating, and yet she felt no fear but an odd, primitive excitement. Desperate, she closed her eyes. "Don´t."  
  
_woosh - woosh_  
  
He was gone. She stumbled from the chair to her bed and dropped onto it. The book slid down the blanket and banged on the floor. Tears choked her and she swallowed rapidly to keep them down. It didn´t work. The first hot tears ran down her cheeks. It had been a mistake to go on this journey. The biggest mistake of her life. Yes, she was in love with him, desperately in love, but he wasn´t in love with her. She could never agree to marry him and live a life of unreturned love, a life of misery.  
  


**************************************

  
  
The following morning she hid in her quarters, too unhappy to be seen by anyone, but mostly by Sarek, of course. Certainly, she couldn´t hide for long. This was a ship. His ship.  
  
A guard came and asked her to meet with Sarek. She tried to find an excuse to get out of it, which resulted only in senseless babbling. The guard observed her with patient curiosity. "I´m coming," she huffed at last. _The whole species certainly considers me a human idiot._  
  
Sarek didn´t turn around when she entered the main bridge. She stood beside him. "You asked to see me?"  
  
His face was a mask of indifference. "The end of our journey is near. We will reach Vulcan shortly."  
  
"That´s good," she croaked, shivering by his iciness.  
  
"Yes." His voice was just as indifferent, a shadow of the sound he had once gifted her ears with. "Very good."  
  
The other Vulcans on the bridge didn´t hear their conversation; all were too busy with their duties during the approach to Vulcan.  
  
"S-Sarek. I´m sorry if I´ve offended you."  
  
"No, Miss Grayson, I have to apologize. I had forgotten that you are human."  
  
"Right," she whispered, miserable. Her gaze froze on the viewscreen in front of her. A reddish-colored planet with grayish-blue highlights filled the window. Its surface looked dry and hostile, a far cry from a place anyone would call home. She never should have come here. She never should have kissed him. She never should have fallen in love. _How long until I´m allowed to fly back?_  
  
The stars vanished. She stared at a hazy sky that was claimed by a dazzling sun to avoid to looking at him. _How long until I can bear this sunburnt world?_  
  
"Vulcan." Like the dearest sentiment, the one word rasped over his tongue. "Do not be deceived by the way it looks."  
  
Startled once more by his insight, she stole a glance at him, guessing he wanted to say more, but he didn´t. His face remained cold and unmoving, though, he blinked a few times.  
  
"In time I´ll learn about its secret nature," she assured, ashamed that she had jumped to conclusions so easily. _How long until I´m able to forget that he touched my very soul?_  
  
Now he looked at her. His eyes were a match to the blurred colors of Vulcan. "Given that you refused my proposal, there is no need." The Vulcan she had never seen in a hurry, not even once, whirled around, and fled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Already written and posted in 2010


	4. Green-Blooded Male

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A male is a male.

  
Once more, Amanda was panning the desolate scenery of Sarek´s home. Vulcan´s surface appeared to be made of nothing but sand and stone. The lack of green was jarring, the lack of quick movement wearying. Everyone on this planet moved deliberately, even the wind blew agonizingly slow. Children weren´t running. No one was laughing or crying out loud. Well! Hardly surprising since the unbearable heat simply killed any sentiment or speed, and the heavy gravity tired out any creature who dared to live in this place. _It´s like being trapped in the center of the sun_ , Amanda thought, rubbing a hand over her sore eyes. _Burnt out. That´s how I feel._  
  
She wasn´t sure, though, if it was because of the conditions on Vulcan or just because of Sarek. He seemed to have forgotten about her. He didn´t ask her to continue with the kissing lessons. He didn´t ask her to continue any lessons. He didn´t keep her company. The only reason she had come here for had ditched her. Right. This was the proper human term. _I was ditched by a Vulcan._ She snorted. His change of attitude should have been a relief but it wasn´t.  
  
His avoidance left her all by herself in a world of strangers. She desperately missed the company of humans, mostly her friend Peggy. The long-distance conversations via subspace helped her to calm down a little but she felt extremely lonely still. There was no one around she could really talk to. The native language was still a mystery to her. Sure, she had learned the basics but was still confused about the niceties. There was no one she could take comfort in. Sarek´s people treated her politely but extremely distantly. The females were the worst. They gave her the feeling that she was somehow wrong, ugly even. Their emotionless glances offended her more than one of disgust or hate would have. She had never felt more alien in her life.  
  
Sometimes she caught a glimpse of Sarek going from one engagement to another. Sometimes she saw him rush to his meditation. Every time he greeted her politely, but so formally it hurt her deeply. _How can he expect me to say yes to his offer? I can´t marry him. I can´t marry an alien. I know almost nothing about the Vulcans. I don´t know how they get married...or how they make...make...oh god!_ She turned away from the devastating view, feeling her face burn with shameful curiosity.  
  
The female housekeeper walked by.  
  
Amanda startled. "Excuse me?" _What´s her name? I don´t remember._  
  
The female stopped. "Yes?"  
  
"May I ask where the ambassador is right now?"  
  
"The ambassador is engaged."  
  
"With what?"  
  
The lips of the female drew into a frozen line. "Personal matters."  
  
"But what is it?"  
  
"It is not a matter we discuss with... humans." Gracefully, she floated away.  
  
Amanda blinked rapidly. _Personal matters. Personal matters. I´m fed up with that phrase. I´m fed up with all of them together. I need to leave. Going home. Yes. That´s the only thing I can do. Ask permission to leave. I am of no use here anyway._ Strangely, the thought of leaving was even more depressing, causing a tear to run down her cheek. She wiped it frantically away.  
  
The night came, exhilaratingly cool, but even so, she was lying restless in bed not able to sleep. She got up at last and started wandering through the house, inspecting every detail to busy her mind, feeling lonelier than ever. The eternal stillness made her ears hurt, the longing for something...anything made her feel desperate beyond imagination.  
  
At last she stumbled outside into the small garden behind Sarek´s estate. Naturally it was a garden composed of stones, yellow thistles, and cacti in many sizes, but nonetheless a place she considered beautiful, particularly at night. She strolled along the gravel walk, lit up by Vulcan´s sister planet, T'Kuht, greedily breathing in the fresh air, until she came up to the plain-built bower. Often she had come here to rest on the stony bench, dreaming, miraculously feeling closer to home.  
  
A familiar shape kneeling in front of her favored spot made her stop in her tracks. Sarek! _Oh my God! What is he doing here? Is he meditating?_ Amanda wondered, and stumbled backwards. The gravel crunched. _Damn!_  
  
Sarek turned around, staring at her. "What are you doing here?" His voice sounded worse than at their last intimate encounter, harsh and somehow broken, far from the mature voice she was used to, like he was on edge...  
  
"I couldn´t sleep and... I´m so sorry... I didn´t mean to..."  
  
He jerked to his feet. The sudden movement was so unlike him that she gasped in shock.  
  
"Return to the house."  
  
This wasn´t the emotionless Vulcan she used to know. "Yes... you are right." Still she couldn´t move, appeared to be glued to the gravel underneath.  
  
"You came here like this?" Slowly, he glided over to her, his body a rock of tension.  
  
She had forgotten she only wore shorts and a top. "Sorry, I didn´t know..." Now she felt even more stuck, forced to confront his pitch black eyes, expressing a sensation she couldn´t classify. _Anger? Desperation? Fear?_  
  
"Why did you not accept my proposal?" He put his fingertips together, rubbing them delicately.  
  
"Pardon me?"  
  
"Everything would be easier if you would have agreed."  
  
"Easier for whom?" _Who does he think he is? Does he imply I did something wrong? That I have no choice?_  
  
"I thought I sensed an undeniable affection for me."  
  
After having just been angry, she turned bashful in a moment. "That...well...maybe..." _I should have gone back to the house. Oh dear. I should have flown home._  
  
"Am I mistaken? Am I not strikingly handsome?"  
  
"What?" _This is a joke, right? He can´t be serious._  
  
"Your friend Peggy said so." Now his eyes glittered even more oddly, making him appear conspicuously arrogant, definitely too sure of himself.  
  
_Something is very wrong,_ she realized, perplexed. "That doesn´t mean I have to marry you."  
  
He blinked. "But you do like me?"  
  
"Sarek...? What´s going on? Are you d-drunk?"  
  
"Vulcans do not drink alcohol."  
  
"What is it then? You´re frightening me."  
  
He grimaced, his expression so full of pain and desire it shocked her even more. "Pon farr."  
  
Two words with no meaning to her yet she was aware he wished he could have taken them back the second he blurted them out. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"A matter we do not share with...with...." His mouth turned into a deforming curve.  
  
"It can´t be that bad. You look..." _more handsome than ever_ "...well."  
  
"I am not," he groaned. "I have plak tow, a fever in my blood, a fever so strong it can kill me if I do not...do not..." He broke off and turned away from her. "Just leave me. I cannot guarantee your safety."  
  
His warning in the coldest voice was crystal clear. Still she didn´t want to leave him. She didn´t want to be alone anymore. She wanted his company. She needed his company. No. She needed him. Intuitively she moved forward and pulled at his sleeve. "Sarek?"  
  
He flinched. "I cannot guarantee anything at the moment. I am not myself. Not the ambassador. Just..." Now he started shaking. "...a bundle of need...hurting so much...."  
  
His words a mirror of her feelings, so tragically real, stung. "Don´t we all?"  
  
He swirled back to her, raging, eyes fixed on her lightly-dressed body. "Not like this. Not like you are being torn apart."  
  
Just now she realized what was wrong with him. The peculiar glance in his eyes, the tension in his body, the strange behavior. A condition simply ordinary. "My God. You are like us after all. You are just human."  
  
His eyes flashed in blind fury. "Leave me alone. I have no need for you mocking me."  
  
"No." She couldn´t believe she just said that. She couldn´t believe she wasn´t even scared anymore. She couldn´t believe she just made maybe the most life-changing decision.  
  
"W-what? I do not understand."  
  
"Don´t you see?" She put her hands on his arms. "I´m hurting like you."  
  
"Amanda?" He raised an eyebrow. "Do you know what you are saying?"  
  
Sensing his confusion, she nodded fervently. "Oh yes."  
  
"But you r-rejected me."  
  
"Only your proposal. Never you." She leaned into him, so very, very close, so very intimate.  
  
"Are you sure? Once I have started I am not able to stop myself."  
  
"So what you´re waiting for?" Yet his whole presence was still intimidating, she felt no more fear, only simple longing to touch him and to be touched.  
  
"Fascinating," he said briefly, stunned, then he swept her onto his arms and muted her with a passionate kiss. Hungrily, he claimed her mouth, a sensation completely different from the kisses they had shared before.  
  
She returned his kiss equally passionate, feeling all the strength and spirit she had lost flowing back into her. _This is what I want. This is what I dreamed of. This is why I came here._ When she felt like she was floating, her eyes fluttered open, catching glimpses of the garden flashing by. He carried her back to the house but didn´t stop caressing every inch of her face with fevered kisses. _How is he doing this? How is he this good? How is this going to end?_  
  
A few minutes later she was put onto a bed. "Sarek?"  
  
"No harm will come to you." He was hovering above her, taking his clothes off in a rush.  
  
"Whatever," she whispered cheekily, too inflamed to care. _Illogical me._ Her lips found his ear, sucking sensually on the tip, tasting his flavor.  
  
He shuddered. "This. Yes. Like this." He pressed his body to hers. "More."  
  
"So spicy...," she murmured, delighted, encouraged to bite into the tender flesh. "...so hot..."  
  
"Yes." In a surprisingly rash motion Sarek ripped her top open. "I hurt to have you." He pressed his lips on her breasts. "I hurt to be inside you."  
  
_I hurt to have you, too._ She bowed into him, giving in to all the pleasures rushing in waves over her, sneaking her arms around his body, feeling his skin so overwhelming hot, burning her up like the sun of his world. "Oh." She touched his spine, the nature of the texture somehow different but not unpleasant, just a bit unfamiliar. "I want you so much." _What does it matter that you´re Vulcan? What does anything matter?_ His lips found her breasts, and guessing her wishes, he was teasing the nipples with subtle bites. "...yes...please...oh yes...." Falling into the dazzling heat...humming the sweetest melody in the universe...the sentiment of loneliness turned into a distant mirage. _I´m yours._  
  
The morning light already brightened the room when she woke up next to Sarek. Seconds ticked by before she dared to look at him, overwhelmed by the lingering sensations of last night. _What have I done? What will he think of me? What will happen to me now?_

He was already awake, watching her curiously, although the darkness in his eyes was gone.  
  
_Maybe I´ve broken some Vulcan rules? Maybe he´ll send me away now?_ She blushed. "I should..." _How can I feel so insanely happy then?_  
  
"I apologize for my unspeakable behavior."  
  
Seeing the Vulcan this awkward was refreshing and turned her more mature. "What happened was by far...well...not conventional."  
  
He greened lightly. "No. You are right. Not very logical either."  
  
"I like that." She kissed him sweetly on the lips. "I like you losing control."  
  
"Do not tease me," he growled. "I am still in heat."  
  
"I´m happy to hear that." Playfully, she seized his manhood, boldly exploring. _Well, that´s what´s a journey is about, right?_  
  
His eyes glazed over. "Amanda?"  
  
"Mm?"  
  
"I wonder...in what way is the penis of a Vulcan different to that of a human male?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Already written and posted in 2012


	5. Convenient? Yes, Indeed!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda changes her mind.

  
_My dear Vulcan lover. Are you for real? What happened to the civilized male? What are you doing to me?_  
  
A few nights of intimacy and passion beyond imagination cherished the illusion in Amanda that Sarek might be in love with her. His touch made her bloom like a desert flower after the rain, and Sarek gave the impression that he rather liked her emotionality. He never used the word love, though, or talked about feelings of any kind.  
  
Then one morning Amanda came back down to earth. Yes, Sarek had kissed her more tenderly when he left for work, but didn´t come back that night. Amanda couldn´t get to sleep until the first rays of sunlight were touching the horizon. She didn´t dare to go to him and ask if she´d done something wrong.  
  
In the afternoon Sarek approached her in the garden. "Will you walk with me?"  
  
"Of course, Amb... er Sarek," she said, feeling her face burn.  
  
"Thank you," he replied, and started walking, talking about this and that. He was friendly but not chummy. He had retransformed into the well-mannered diplomat.  
  
Oddly enough Amanda enjoyed walking with him as much as making love to him. Having him around sated the thirst she had and made living on this world easier. The heat. The lack of green. The tranquility. Sarek grounded her and chased away concerns and doubts. The strength of his influence was a bit disturbing, though.  
  
He didn´t come back the next night and the next and she realized his pon farr must be over. She wasn´t his wife, so she had no right to complain about his absence. Sarek must have come to his senses and consider their nightly meetings too unethical to continue.  
  
She missed the intimacy more than the sex, but had no choice but to accept his decision and the daily walks in the garden. At least she wasn´t ignored anymore. Sarek treated her like an equal and she felt more at ease in his company. Sarek and she might even have bonded in some way because the strange sensation of a sizzling connection didn´t fade away. Also, Sarek behaved less distant even though he was far from the passionate lover she had learned to appreciate.  
  
Oh, well. That ship had sailed. Amanda adapted to the new situation and rejoiced in talking to Sarek about the differences between Vulcan and Earth. His English improved constantly and she was able to learn the basics of Vulcan. That achievement earned her Sarek´s respect and made her very proud. They never touched on intimate subjects. They never talked about those nights nor his proposal. They only discussed trivial personal preferences like favorite books or food. She was fine with that, but one thing bothered her. The kissing lessons didn´t continue either. No endearments were exchanged at all and she wondered if their lovemaking had actually taken place, or if it had been just a dream, a glorious, mind-melting dream inspired by too much heat and longing.  
  
Whatever she and Sarek had done or not done, the months on Vulcan spun away as well as homesickness and loneliness. Eventually she even managed to socialize with Sarek´s people.  
  
The miracle had happened on the day a sandstorm was keeping her in the house. She had cursed at her hermit life and the choices she had made. The female housekeeper, Tu'Pari, whose name meant, _the way around the unusual_ , took pity on her and confessed why the Vulcan females kept their distance from her. They had very sensitive noses and Amanda smelled bad to them. _Oh dear!_ Amanda was rather amused than shocked, and apologized for the inconvenience she had caused. Tu'Pari was pleased and started teaching her about and Vulcan society. The knowledge helped Amanda make a few loose but effective contacts.  
  
A close encounter with a bear-like beast with six-inch fangs almost dampened her enthusiasm.  
  
"You do not need to be afraid," Sarek explained in his calm manner. "That is I-Chaya, a _sehlat_. I´ve owned him since my childhood and he is domesticated. Sehlats are popular pets to Vulcan children and only turn aggressive when they are protecting their families or when they are not being fed properly."  
  
"Uh-huh," Amanda said, gripping Sarek´s arm. She didn´t take her eyes off the monster teddy bear.  
  
"A sehlat can be dangerous though if you make a wrong move."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"If you make a sudden movement or charge at him, he could rip your arm off, but Vulcans never make wrong moves. That would be illogical."  
  
"Right," Amanda whispered, and watched I-Chaya until she and Sarek were back safe and sound in the house. The sehlat wasn´t invited in and cried, wretched.  
  
Once a week she talked to Peggy via subspace but never dared to tell her about what had happened between Sarek and her. She downright lied to her best friend because of the sensitive nature of the subject. Those intimate nights belonged to Sarek and her; she wouldn´t betray his trust. She knew her best friend would ask many questions, questions she wasn´t prepared to answer.  
  
"Hey, there, silly," Peggy said. "Tomorrow you´re heading home. Are you excited?"  
  
"Sure," Amanda said, putting on a brave face. Yes, she had missed Peggy and her home but she didn´t feel any excitement about returning there. She wanted to stay and learn more about this strange but unique planet. She wanted to solve the mystery of Vulcans and Sarek in particular.  
  
Peggy didn´t catch her subterfuge and kept babbling on about her wedding -- the flowers, the music, the food, Ben this, Ben that. She couldn´t talk about anything else.  
  
Amanda just smiled, nodded, and said yes and no from time to time. _You could have had all that and more. It´s your own fault. So stop sulking._  
  
"See you soon," Peggy said at the end of the call.  
  
"Sure." Frustrated, she strolled into the garden. The impressive sun of Vulcan had just disappeared beyond the horizon. The blossoms of a few cacti were still open, a thorny but mesmerizing view she had learned to love. _Tomorrow I´ll be flying home. I can´t even begin to explain how torn I feel. I can´t even imagine leaving this place. I´m crazy, right?_  
  
"Your last sunset on Vulcan."  
  
She turned around. Sarek. He was always close by whenever she yearned for him. "Yes."  
  
"Will you miss it?"  
  
The question surprised her because it was emotional to miss something. "Very."  
  
He looked unusually tense. Is he going through his own struggle? Could it be? "I will accompany you on your journey back to Earth. I have business there and will stay for a few days."  
  
_A few days and then you´re gone from my life._ "I´m looking forward to our journey then." She forced a smile.  
  
"Are you glad you are going home?"  
  
"Of course. I abused your hospitality long enough."  
  
"You never abused it, Amanda." His ears greened. "It is I who kept you away from your home too long."  
  
_My home is with you._ "I enjoyed our time together in every way."  
  
"Indeed?" His lips quivered.  
  
Oh God, stop that. Stop being so handsome and mysterious. "Vulcan is a place full of wonder." How is it possible to have such a civil conversation with a man who made me scream with pleasure? How is he able to stay so calm and reasonable? "I didn´t expect to find so many things I consider pleasurable."  
  
"Anything in particular?" Sarek challenged her.  
  
"The rock formations and its various cacti." _What do you think? Are you that ignorant or just goddam polite?_ "The mysterious sounds of the desert." Shut up! Stop making this worse. "The magical flavors of the night."  
  
"I see." His voice was silky smooth. "Do you desire one last walk to say good bye?"  
  
I want that, yes. "Sorry, no, I´m too tired." I can´t, though. Not now. Not with you. "If you will excuse me, please?" Otherwise I break apart.  
  
"Pardon me for not noticing." He bowed. "I wish you a good night´s sleep to be well rested for our journey tomorrow."  
  
"T-Thank you." She almost choked on the simple words and fled as if I-Chaya had jumped out of the shadows to chase her down. _Holy God, what will happen if we won´t see each other again? Will this feeling of being one go away? Will our bond break apart and leave me in peace? What if it doesn´t? What then? How can I survive these sensations not seeing him anymore?_ She pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle a sob. She had learned how sensitive his hearing was. She didn´t want him to know how desperate and unhappy she was. What if he could sense her utter despair through that miraculous bond anyway? What if he knew everything she was going through? Would he surrender to those hidden emotions underneath his armor and come over to soothe her pains? Would he reprise their nights of pon farr? For hours she stayed awake hoping he would do just that. But he did not.  
  
The departure and the journey back were torture. She hid in her quarters and met Sarek only at official times like dinner or announcements. He didn´t bother her with questions and accepted her retreat with the familiar politeness.  
  
Damn that Vulcan. She wanted to scream at him. She wanted to shake him until he broke. She wanted him to take her to his quarters and have his way with her. Oh God. She was illogical. Yes. No doubt about that. If Sarek had any idea what she was thinking, he didn´t act on it. Neither did she.  
  
On Earth she didn´t see him for two days, yet she couldn´t stop thinking about him. She feared the day he´d leave and started counting the minutes. She couldn´t focus on anything else. She was barely able to fulfill her duties as a bridesmaid. Why was she forced to talk about flower or music arrangements when she only wanted to talk about Sarek? Why should she bother with a stuttering man-child if she could have someone like Sarek? Damn. Why had she rejected his proposal? Why hadn´t she been more diplomatic and put him off for a while? Not a chance in the galaxy he would ever ask her again. He had his pride. He was the ambassador of Vulcan for god´s sake. She was just an English teacher.  
  
The day the wondrous connection to him started to fade, she was crushed. No. Please. No. She had learned to like floating in his warmth and wasn´t ready to lose that sensation even if she could neither identify nor explain it. Sure, living on Vulcan would be hard, but living without him was empty.  
  
Peggy´s wedding was a blast. The church was crowded with people and everybody was having a great time at the party afterwards, dancing and chatting. Only Amanda was suffering through the vows and the cheering and wished she could leave. Hiding in a corner she was thinking about her options. She snorted. As if she had any.  
  
Timmons scared her up anyway. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. You were the last person I expected to cry."  
  
"I´m just happy for her." _I´m the worst. The worst._ "Besides I´m not crying."  
  
"Right." He patted her shoulder and sat down next to her. "Are you envious?"  
  
"No," she barked, shaking. "Not at all. Why should I be?"  
  
"No plans of marrying yourself?"  
  
"What? Who told you that? What have you heard?"  
  
"Nothing." Her mentor leaned back in his chair and whistled.  
  
Oh no. I walked right into his trap. That wicked, wicked man. He had always been too clever for his own good.  
  
"There you are, Amanda! Have you heard? The ambassador is leaving tomorrow." Peggy approached her, arm in arm with her husband Ben. "How do you feel to part from the impressive Vulcan?"  
  
That did it. "I--" Tears were spilling from her eyes. Shit! "Sorry, I have to..." She leapt out of the chair and fled into the garden.  
  
She didn´t get far, though. Despite the fact she was dressed up like a queen, Peggy caught up with her. "Oh my god. I´m sorry. I didn´t know."  
  
"I can´t..." Oh god. I love him. I love him than I can put in words.  
  
"Come here." Peggy hugged her, not minding her fancy outfit.  
  
"I´m never gonna see him again," Amanda sobbed into her shoulder. "It´s my own fault."  
  
"There, there." Peggy sat her on a bench under a leafy tree. "It can´t be that hopeless."  
  
"You have no idea," Amanda sniffed, and confessed everything. Yes, the love making, too, though no details. Those precious memories were hers alone. Hers and Sarek´s.  
  
Peggy was stunned speechless. Quickly she regained her senses. "You have to tell him."  
  
"What? No. I can´t."  
  
"Amanda, don´t be silly. If you love him that much he has to know."  
  
"I think he already does."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
No. She wasn´t sure. There was not much she could be sure about regarding Sarek. She was sure he cared about her. She was sure he respected her. She wasn´t sure if he could ever love her as much as she loved him, and what love even meant to him. No. She wasn´t sure he wanted her the way she wanted him. So what? You want him, right? So make a move, damn it. "You´re right. I don´t know."  
  
"Exactly." Peggy crossed her arms. "So? What´s your plan then?"  
  
"Tell him."  
  
"Good. Since we have that settled tell _me_ something. Is his penis truly different from those of human males?"  
  
"You can´t be serious?" Amanda deadpanned, but then she burst out laughing. _Oh, Peggy. Don´t you ever change._  
  
"Worth a try," Peggy said, after their hysterics had eased off a bit. "Okay. Stay here and let me find my husband before he leaves on our honeymoon without me. I´ll be back shortly." She got up and smoothed her crumpled wedding dress. Satisfied with the outcome she walked back into the house, her heels clicking on the stone floor.  
  
Amanda let out a watery sigh, relieved to be alone for a while. She needed time to think. She needed a plan. Should she call Sarek first or go to his living quarters straight away? Should she dare to embarrass him with her feelings? Should she take that risk? Here is my heart, Sarek. Take it or break it. Why not? He would leave Earth anyway and she would never ever see him again. Oh, god. Stop crying. This is ridiculous.  
  
A figure floated out of the darkness.  
  
"Sarek!"  
  
"My apologies. I startled you."  
  
_Damn. So much for her plan._ "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Your friend Peggy invited me. Did she not tell you?" He sat down next to her.  
  
"No." She stashed her wet and crumpled tissue away. _Peggy, you minx. What did you do?_  
  
"I came to say good-bye. I fly home tomorrow."  
  
"I know," she choked out, and then a fresh hysterical fit washed over her. _For heaven´s sake. Pull yourself together or you lose him._  
  
"Am I making you nervous?" The lines on his forehead crinkled. "I thought we were past that."  
  
_I´ll never be past that._ "I just realized how much I´ll miss you."  
  
"Uh...that is logical. We shared...a great deal."  
  
"Yes." Oh God. Don´t think about those nights. Don´t think about him naked. "I loved our time together. Our walks and conversations." _The way you made love to me._ "I feel good in your presence. I feel sublime." _I want you now and forever._  
  
He arched an eyebrow. "What are you trying to say?"  
  
"I don´t want you to leave." This is your last chance. Don´t mess it up. She put her hands to her flaming cheeks. "I don´t want to be apart from you." She didn´t dare to breathe. If he refuses her... She wanted the floor to swallow her up. _Yeah, right! Stop being ridiculous._  
  
"You presence pleases me, too." Sarek cleared his throat. "I do not want to be apart from you either." He reached for one of her hands. "I was not certain if you felt the same way."  
  
Amanda twitched underneath his gentle touch. _Oh._ "I changed my mind." Strong emotions pierced through her. Why had she ever doubted him? Why shouldn´t she accept him? What was she afraid of? "I´d be honored to be your wife."  
  
"Indeed?" He leaned in. "Am I marriage material after all?"  
  
She laughed. _No. Not at heart._ "Oh, Sarek."  
  
"Yes? What did I say?"  
  
"I thought you would... never mention marriage again."  
  
"Why should I not? I never changed my mind."  
  
"Haven´t you?"  
  
"I am surprised you have." Sarek didn´t gloat. "Staying on Vulcan was hard for you. I cannot imagine you living there permanently, so far from your home."  
  
"I love you, Sarek," she said, squeezing his hand. "I was never so sure about anything."  
  
He smiled his peculiar smile. "I see. Will you marry me then?"  
  
"Yes, I will." She put his hand to her cheek.  
  
"Very well. We can revive our lessons then." He pulled her close and brushed his lips over hers.  
  
"Why, Sarek? I´m surprised."  
  
"Why? I like kissing you."  
  
"Oh." She flashed him a cheeky grin. "Do you?"  
  
"I had a great teacher," Sarek deadpanned. "Also, we are hidden behind this tree that is in full foliation."  
  
She clung to him, chuckling. She had still so much to learn about this man. He would always be some sort of an enigma.  
  
He silenced her, teasing her lips with the tip of his tongue.  
  
_Oh._ Amanda gasped, and locked her hands around his neck. _Oh my god, Sarek, the ambassador of Vulcan, is going to marry me. Dear me! I am in love with an alien. Oh, oh yes._ Playfully she caught his tongue, sucking temptingly.  
  
"Ah..." Sarek let her go. "Logic demands that we go back inside." He squared his shoulders and offered her his arm.  
  
"As you wish," Amanda murmured, not mentioning she could feel him tremble underneath her touch or that the tips of his ears were green. She didn´t need to point out he was losing his control a bit. She took no pleasure in exposing his twinge of emotion. She was content with keeping that achievement to herself.  
  
The next morning Sarek didn´t leave as planned but delayed his departure. Well, that was logical. Amanda needed some time to put her things in order before she could tie the knot with an alien.  
  
Timmons reacted rather cynically to the news. "I have to ask; is this a marriage of convenience?"  
  
"Yes, indeed," she replied, deliriously happy. "My future husband thinks so."  
  
"Oh, hell," he said, shaking his head. "Your feelings are far deeper than I thought."  
  
"Sorry, but I can´t help that." She put on a serious face. "Will you give me the honor of walking me down the aisle?"  
  
"Definitely, though I think you´re making a mistake."  
  
"Maybe," Amanda sighed, "but I have to follow my heart."  
  
"That I understand," Timmons agreed, "because you always have."  
  
"Thank you for being my friend." She hugged him. "Thank you for being there for me."  
  
"That will never change. If you ever need me, I´ll knock that Vulcan out cold."  
  
She laughed imagining the unlikely event. "Sure you will."  
  
The wedding ceremony happened only a few days later and was small but glorious. Sarek was dressed in a stunning golden-green outfit, matching Amanda´s brilliant green dress. The church was plain but still awe-inspiring, the priest a well-balanced man picked out by Peggy. He didn´t give Sarek or her the evil eye. Not like some people on campus. Amanda had ignored the whispering going on behind her back. She didn´t care about people judging her as long as her friends were here with her. Peggy and Ben, who had postponed their honeymoon just for her; Timmons, dignified and old-fashioned; plus a few Vulcans were the only ones that attended.  
  
Amanda was grateful that her mentor behaved decently enough and wished Sarek and her the best. The Vulcans didn´t show emotion nor did they make any comments while Peggy smothered her with kisses saying farewell. She and Amanda both cried plenty. Amanda was drenched in tears as she stumbled to the ship that would take her away from her old life. Considerately, Sarek held her elbow supporting her.  
  
Sarek arranged for an extra stop on a cozy island in the Caribbean. He wasn´t familiar with the concept of a honeymoon, but he granted Amanda´s wish for a romantic weekend. She was enchanted he did that for her; even though he had urgent business to take care of.  
  
Surrounded by floral fragrances and birds chirping, they retreated to their bungalow. Amanda turned as nervous as the first time she realized she had the hots for a Vulcan. Damn. She was so silly. "I was wondering if I have to wait until your next pon farr." Oh, look. One perfect smirk.  
  
"Did you?" He grabbed her hand, caressing the skin with his thumb. "Now that we are man and wife, let me show you what it being married means to a Vulcan. Let me show you how to bond."  
  
"Oh? Didn´t we...? Haven´t we...? I thought I felt...uh..."  
  
"You are not wrong, but that was only a spark compared to a full marital bond." He stroked the tender veins pulsing underneath her wrist and then kissed the spot gently.  
  
A rush of sensations streamed into her, a force as strong as a flood flushing her insides, inflaming her with the same exotic energy she had already felt before... just stronger... pumping... spreading... wanting... finding its way... deeper and deeper... "Oh, Sarek."  
  
"I know," he said, breathing against her temple. "Don´t be afraid."  
  
"I´m not," she said, snuggling up to him. "I´m rather curious."  
  
"I knew I made the most logical choice in taking _you_ to be my wife," Sarek granted, nibbling at her right ear.  
  
_My dear Vulcan husband. Am I dreaming? Was that a love declaration? Can it be?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brand-New!  
> Please be patient waiting for the conclusion, which is not finished yet.


End file.
